Introvert does not equal Broken

One of the things that I’ve really been paying attention to lately, are the signs of me being an introvert. Some of these things I want to fix, some I’m working on, and some I’m ok with keeping.
The thing that I have to remember is that I’m not broken. When I’m driving to someone’s house for the weekend by myself, and I’m wanting to turn around and just go home and be by myself…’s ok. Do I do it? Well, I have. This time I didn’t. I knew that if I went home, I’d beat myself up for making the decision to turn around, and for being home by myself when I know that’s the worst thing I could do while he is gone.
During my time there, I found that I wasn’t peppy. I wasn’t ‘on’. I was able to be me, and that meant being quiet and just listening most of the time. Though Katie would ask me direct questions and we’d have discussions…for the most part I was just quiet dawn, and I loved it. I didn’t have to entertain anyone and they didn’t feel like they needed to entertain me. Introverts, hosting an introverts. They actually had another friend there that was more introverted and shy than me.
Then, it was off to Dayton. Again, feeling like I just wanted to go home, regardless of the fact that I really wanted to see my boyfriend. Then, I get there and it’s all the family. Though I’m slowly getting to know them, and they make me feel truly comfortable, sometimes I just want to stand on the sidelines. This time, they wouldn’t let me. All of us gathered in the living room. D’arts son helped him move the loveseat so that D’art and I could see the TV. Then, it was Michele and her boyfriend, Robert and his wife, Anthony, the 3 dogs and D’art and me. I curled up with D’art, didn’t participate in much of the conversation and enjoyed the family movie.
It’s funny, because I do compare myself to others. I imagine Drew and Trina visiting Kevin and Katie and being friendly and energetic. I imagine that this is what Kevin and Katie want from someone visiting them. Then, I imagine D’arts ex-girlfriends. I imagine them, Kris and Xtine, being all funny and friendly, loud, extroverted, bearing gifts for everyone….and I wonder if they see me as lacking. The quiet one.
This is where I want to just be me. Let me be quiet. Don’t expect a bundle of energy. I want to be accepted for who I am at the moment.
Sometimes I’m all giggles, but I’d rather it be natural and not pretend.

So, there are a couple of things I’m working on. A couple of things that I’d like to work on later. And then there are a couple of things that I’m totally ok with, in myself. Like everyone, I could use some tweeking. But, I’m not broken. 

An Introverted Qadishtu

Introverted Thinkers

Recently, I’ve discovered the word ‘introvert’ and it explains a LOT about my personality/quirks. I’ve known about this word, of course, and I’ve believed I’m an introvert because I was shy. Then, when I lost most of my shyness, I started to believe I was a shy extrovert. I wasn’t as shy as I used to be, painfully shy, but I wasn’t as outgoing as other extroverts, so that left me with being a shy extrovert. But, that still didn’t seem to fit. I was enjoying being home by myself more and more. I still don’t like staying at someone’s house over a hotel. I still don’t like doing things with big groups of people. I do like being on stage instead of part of the crowd. I still feel very awkward when being introduced to the new boyfriend’s friends and family.
We’ve talked about our introverted selves with others that are introverts. But, some of the quirks of a introvert, I’ve never connected with my personal quirks. I’ve actually been looking at my quirks as character flaws for years. And have gotten very frustrated that I can’t seem to fix them. For example, I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t like having small talk with a bunch of different people. I’d much rather have deep, intense conversations. That means that I come across as a quiet, deep person instead of a happy, go-lucky person. This can be frustrating when you want to be seen as a ‘white-light, hestia-filled, welcome-to-my-space’ sort of person.
I’m very protective of my space and of my friends, now I know why. I have no interest in having a large group of friends, now I know why. I like to be a leader/teacher, now I know why. I like quiet time, now I know why. I feel very uncomfortable in a group of people that I don’t know, now I know why. I will stand off to the side and watch when I’m thrown into a new situation, now I know why. Not being able to talk to others while I’m in ‘service mode’, is heavenly for me, now I know why.
So, how does being an introvert come into play with being a Qadishtu? Well, to work with others and to help with their healing, means I have to put myself out there. This is not a comfortable place for me. When I talk to someone about being a Priestess for a ritual for them, it can become uncomfortable if I don’t know them, simply because I have to spend time getting to know them before designing a ritual. I had to do that last Wednesday as I talked to someone that responded to my fetlife post about wanting to be a Priestess Top. She wants a ritual at an event this weekend, and that meant I had to sit with her and get to know what she was looking for. We started with small talk. I almost closed the conversation to tell her I wasn’t interested, when she started with the deeper stuff. That’s when I was able to engage.
So, rituals have to be deep for me. I’ve tried to do a ritual for someone that didn’t go deep, and it doesn’t work for me and I don’t think I’d try it again.
Scarlet Sanctuary works for me, because I don’t have to converse with people. I’m the High Priestess and therefore I set the tone of the evening by creating sacred space. I get to give sacred touch to about 10 people during the evening, but I don’t have to if I don’t want to. We’ve set up the sanctuary to have at least 6 givers, sometimes as many as 10 trained people join us.
I do have to take care of myself after these rituals and after an evening of Scarlet Sanctuary. I’m not someone that can give all night and then go play in the dungeon. The giving is amazingly awesome, but it totally drains me. It’s the same as when I do Reiki. Reiki is supposed to energize you, but I’m still giving of my time and energy to channel the energy, therefore I’m exhausted afterwards.

So,., though I am a Qadishtu Priestess, and love to help people through rites of passage and opportunities for transformation, I’m also an introvert that has to continuously work at putting herself out there and making herself available. I wish I could change some of these quirks, but if it’s a choice of standing off to the side and watching, vs doing something with someone where I’m not completely comfortable, I’ll take the standing off to the side and watching. But, it’s not who I want to be, so I constantly push myself, so that I can facilitate change in others whom request my help. 


An Annoyance of Introverts


An annoyance of Introverts

  • Never displaying enthusiasm We're low-key, sure. But it's so deflating to bounce up to someone with good news and get "That's nice." Put some oomph into your attaboys (and attagirls). And in group activities, try to look like you're having fun if you are. You don't have to plaster on a grin, but at least think enthusiastic thoughts. They'll probably show in your demeanor.
I’m sure this can be an annoyance for my husband, boyfriend, kids and friends. I don’t bounce up and down if they give me good news. But, if the good news is by text or email, I’ve learned how to put smiley faces and exclamation points in it, so that it looks enthusiastic. In person, it’s just very hard for me to bring forth that kind of energy.

Understanding this, can minimize resentment in a relationship. If you have great news and are expecting an outburst from your introverted partner, you may not get what you are looking for. So, try telling your extroverted friends to get the response you need, to balance the response from your introverted ones.

Someone shared some amazing news a few weeks ago and though I gave her a smile and a ‘congratulations’….feeling joy for her inside of me, thinking I was radiating it to her….it was the bouncing, arms spread wide, ‘congratulations’ from an extroverted friend that she truly appreciated. At that moment, I truly wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I be happy for this person. Well, I was happy. So, why couldn’t I physically have that response that fed her? Because it’s not who I am.

I just have to remember that it doesn’t mean I’m broken.

Do I want to change? I’m not sure.

When I started riding the high school bus in jr. high…a high school friend tried to get me to sit in the back of the bus with them. Even though I knew them all, the idea terrified me. They were horsing around and having a great time. I felt much more comfortable sitting in the front of the bus by myself. I didn’t like sharing my seat with other people either. Some thought this was because I was snobby or strange. Add to it that I was in the gifted classes and they thought that meant that I thought I was better than them. Fortunately, I was nice to them when I could bring myself to interact, so I lost the snobby label.

But, even though I wished I was like the funny others, and the ones that joked around in class, it wasn’t to be. Add to it that I was being abused at home, and I turned into the person that learned not to draw attention to herself. I actually blamed that on the reason I didn’t interact with others, and if I could just get over that after growing up, it would be a sign that I had recovered from the abuse.

Once doing all this research on being an introvert, I may just have to accept that fact that that is who I am.

There is no ‘fixing’ because there is no ‘broken’.

I’m not shy anymore. Though I used to be painfully shy (which is not the same as introverted, but it was layered with it). So, now I’m a not shy, introvert.

This means that I can participate in events, interact with others, run my own meditation center, present, produce events, run workshops, etc. etc. But, I like time by myself, or more especially with my husband even if we are just working on our computers together.