Built like a tree

I know I shouldn’t be complaining. I know this. And I’m glad I’m healthy. And I know I’ll get used to the new shape of me. But, some moments are easier than others.

On Saturday we had a class to teach on flirting. I just couldn’t find anything to wear. Everything that I tried on, that would have looked ok before, now looked dumpy. I kept trying on skirts and they just hung on me. So, I ended up putting on a tight pair of leggings and a purple sweater with my tall boots. That ended up looking hot! …but I’ve been a skirt girl since joining this power exchange relationship. That’s actually part of our dynamic.

He’s ok with the pants. I’m the one having an issue.

My friend says I’ll find skirts that I enjoy again. I don’t know about that.

The doc says my body is going to shift a little over the next couple of months, so not to worry about it. I’m trying.

I NEED to feel confident at the moment. I NEED to feel sexy. Clothes help that happen for some dumb reason.

Why do I need this? Because otherwise I’m going to feel like I wasted money with this surgery.

The other part? I’ve been hoping the removal of my ‘apron’ would help me feel sexier and more confident. I want to experience more play, more people, more relationships, more sex. If I feel more sexy and confident, this is more likely to happen.

It also has to do with getting ready to turn 50. Not so sure why. 
Oddly enough, I’m having a hard time adjusting to my body in clothes. Other people say I’m looking hot, including my husband, boyfriend, girlfriend and someone else that I’m interested in……but I see myself as a curveless tree. My broad shoulders are now very noticeable again, now that I don’t have hips that are wider than they are. I’m a tree.

Surgery post op 23 days

Post Op - Day 23

(small trigger alert)

I’m working through my frustration at still having these 2 drains in. I thought all 4 would be out by day 10. The first 2 were, but these last 2 are hanging in. I know it’s for my own good, since they are still draining, but it’s frustrating. I want to try on some clothes that I’ve never been able to get into before.

I’ve been posting pics from 10 years ago, from when I used to dress up in costumes (LARPing)…and I still have those costumes. I want to try them on and take some before/after pics. That is what will make this surgery and it’s results more real.

I did have someone suggest that I go to a psychologist and make sure that I’m in a happy place with the results of this surgery. It actually makes sense. I know more than a couple of people that have gained weight back after surgery like this. This surgery was too expensive for me to allow that to happen.

But, it could. I got this large for a reason. And the first time I lost a significant amount of weight and someone made a positive comment on how great I looked, I gained it all back, plus more.

Why? Because of a simple comment made by my perp as a child….’if you weren’t so pretty, I just can’t help myself’. So, my weight was my protection against guys that ‘couldn’t help themselves’. I know that that is all horseshit….and it’s not my fault that they molested me……but I can guarantee that that is what my head thought when it came to me gaining weight and not being able to get it off and keep it off.

But, now I have. Almost 100 pounds off. And I’m excited to see what I’m going to look like in sexy clothes.

If I could just get these 2 drains out.

I wish I was younger to enjoy this though. I’ll be 50 this year. But, better now than never.


Surgery post op 15 days

Post OP 15 days

More mobile, though I still can’t put on my own socks

I’m going through moments of boredom, which is leading to some sadness.

Only taking a few pain pills a day.

We are going to try a trip to Dayton to celebrate Christmas Eve with some special people

Feet are cold. Have to wait for Dan to come home before I can get socks.

Watching commercial TV.. Can only take so much Netflix.

Almost have my first scarf of the season crocheted.

I’ve taken some before/after pics. But, because I’m in my underwear, I’m not putting them online yet

Surgery post op 12 days

…..why get a belt lipectomy?

Here I am 12 days post op. I sit here typing, waiting for the pain pills to kick in as I watch Netflix and have a cat walking over me…wanting to sit in my lap, not happy that I’m using a laptop on her nesting pillow.

I’m totally exhausted after wrapping gifts with a friend for a couple of hours. There’s no way I could have done this all myself. I’ve had 3 naps and am doing all I can at the moment to stay awake so that I can finish my daily motivations required by Master. I’ll make sure to spread my duties over the course of the day so as to not wear myself out.

I can’t do any exercise at the moment. Staying awake to get anything done is challenging. I dropped my phone on the floor and it took some creativity to get to it since I can’t bend over.

I can’t sleep with my husband/Master because I have to sleep upright in this recliner. I can’t snuggle with him on the couch because it’s too low and my skin/muscles are too tight.

I can’t drive to do any last minute Christmas shopping. I’ve been invited out for Christmas Eve by the boyfriend. That will be 90 minutes to his house and 90 minutes back. I’ll have to take pain pills, but I really want to see him.

New Years, same thing. I’ve been invited out and I’m going, but it’s a 2 hour drive each way. Pain pills will be needed.

Can’t return to work until mid-december. Though, I’m not too worried about that….just the cut in pay part at the end of my time off. But, we’ll take care of that.

So, why?

I’ve done a little writing about it so far. But, don’t know that I’ve gotten deep into my thoughts/feelings.


I do know that I was unsatisfied with how my body was looking after the weightloss. I’m guessing that’s the main part of it. My skin was so wrinkled and loose. When I laid on my side, I’d have this puddle in front of me that I’d have to work hard at rolling over with. It was like flipping a bowling ball each time I turned over during the night, which was a lot since my hips stay sore.

My clothes never fit right, but is that a reason to go through so much?

Am I doing it for self-confidence?

I’m not so sure. All I know is that it seemed like the right thing to do. I’m just not sure why.

I guess I’ll keep putting the next step forward and see what I can accomplish with this new body.


Surgery - T-5

Belt Lipectomy – 5 days away

Ok….i just typed that….5 days away …and got nauseous. Breathe. It’s going to be ok. I’m all prepped except for a couple little items and I have to prep a couple of meals, and that’s it. The chair was delivered this morning and the table will be here on Sunday. Oh, and I still have to pack the hospital bag. But, I’ll be home the whole day before the surgery and can get any last minute stuff and just relax.

I keep telling myself that this time next week, it will be over with and I’ll be home and sleeping on pain pills. Then, 30 days from now, I’ll me in much better shape. 6 months from now, I’ll be back to running and working out in the gym. Time flies. It will be here sooner than I think.

OK. Breathing and not worrying about it. I have a full weekend of fun and buying a Christmas tree to look forward to.


Surgery - More Prep

T – 8 Days

I’ve been making sure that I’ve got everything checked off my list.

I’m able to log into work from home, in case recovery takes longer than expected.

I’ve talked to someone that has a lift chair and they are going to let me borrow it. This is great, because though someone donated a recliner to me, if I can get a lift chair, it’s going to make recovery much easier.

I went and bought compression socks today and went onto amazon and bought me a hat since I won’t be washing my hair and I’ll have people coming over to sit with me.

The husband of my husband’s girlfriend offered me to movies from his collection. He has over 1100 movies. I chose about 8 movies.

A friend is bringing over a table tray leftover from her recovery after a serious car accident.

What’s left?

Grocery shopping and preparing meals. …..and buying a Christmas Tree. And a few other things i mentioned in the last blog entry.

If so, I’ll be getting those done soon. I plan on grocery shopping tonight after my boyfriend leaves.

Then, it’s just waiting and making some youtube videos leading up to the surgery.

And….getting used to the idea of having a smaller middle.

I was sitting in the recliner this morning, looked down, saw how my ‘hips’ meet the sides of the chair. I lift up my nightgown and grab the folds. I pulled them into the middle of my stomach and see how much room there is between me and the sides of the chair. All of that is supposedly going to be gone when I wake up after surgery next Thursday. It’s a weird feeling. That’s part of my body. And it’s going to be cut off. What a weird concept.

When I thought I was going to have a hysterectomy a couple of years back, I cried and cried because they were going to have to cut out part of my body. ….Now there is no crying. It’s sort of surreal to see my belly and know it’s going to be different in a week.

All I have to do now, is to not think about the 6 hours of surgery. 

Surgery Prep

I’m continuing to put things in place for the surgery. I have someone bringing me a mobile bedside table and I’m setting people up to come keep an eye on me once Dan goes back to work.
And someone at work just shared something with me. I have a fear of dropping my phone on the floor and not being able to call anyone while I’m stuck in the chair. I won’t be able to bend over to get it. Well, when I expressed this, she told me about a product called a gopher. It’s a reacher thingie with suction cups on it. What a great idea! I just went to amazon and ordered one. So there is another fear taken care of. And I’ve got people stopping by the first couple of days after Dan goes to work.

And I’ve also created a packing list for my hospital stay. Plus, yesterday I bought some sweatpants to come home from the hospital in. Problem is, I have no idea what size I’ll be. Plus, I’ll have the drains in. So, do I buy big pants or pants that I won’t have to worry about them falling down? Well, what I did was bought a bigger size than what I wear now, and made sure they have drawstrings. That way I can tie them on. But, honestly, I’m also thinking of just wearing a dress with leg warmers home from the hospital. I’m packing both.
So, left to do:

Pack overnight bag
Get table from Stephanie
Set up table next to recliner
Set up charging station next to recliner
Get Walker and wedge cushions from Trina
Prep freezer meals
Prep breakfasts and lunches
Figure out how to log into work from home
Prep Dan’s morning pills

Since it’s also the holiday season, I need to think about getting the Christmas Tree this weekend, and shopping for gifts. Though, I usually do most of my shopping through Amazon, so I can actually wait on that. 

Surgery reflections

Not exactly sure where I’m going to put this journaling about my surgery just yet, but I definitely need to journal. I want to do another youtube video as well, before surgery.

So, Belt Lipectomy.

10 days until surgery on Dec. 8
th. 10 days.

Just a couple of days ago, it was 2 weeks. Now it’s 10 days. And honestly, it’s a little scary. I’ve been able to play it off like it’s nothing, emotionally……even though logically I know it’s a big deal. Then, my husband admitted to me that he realized it was a big deal. And the fact that it’s happening next week. I’m lining people up to stop in and check on me. It’s going to happen.

There are little things to think about. I won’t be able to sit on my meditation cushion for weeks if not months. Getting out of this recliner may or may not work. I joke about watching Netflix and have a list of shows and movies, but in reality I’ll probably sleep the first week and hope I don’t get stuck in this chair.

Going to the bathroom isa big concern for me. I won’t have someone home to help out. What if I can’t sit on the toilet? Well, I thought of that answer yesterday. We have a walk in shower. If all I have to do is pee, I can walk into the shower to do so. No bending required. Then, I’ll have a towel to sit on or a chuck on my chair.

I’m hoping I’m like some of the girls on youtube that are up and moving in a couple of days. But, in all reality, I’ll probably be like the ones that are down and out for a couple of weeks. Though, I don’t want to make that happen by thinking about it too hard.

As I pulled on my leggings up and over my belly this morning, I realized I’m just ready to have it gone.

A very wise person (Mike Conley), told me that it’s my last connection to the past. That made me cry. That’s truer than even he may know.

Belt Lipectomy

Not sure that I spelled this word right…

It’s been a long time trying to get this weight off. My pics of me at my highest weight put it after 2001, because I’m wearing my collar. But, I’m not sure just how long ago. I do remember standing on the scale at the house in Grove City, and seeing 298 pounds and refusing to let it go any higher. It was right after that that I got sick. Let’s see, I would have gotten sick around ……don’t remember, but checking with my chiropractor. She will have the date around the weekend that I got sick.

When I got sick, my whole body changed. My thyroid herbal had stopped working, so she put me on an animal based one. My primary doctor had refused to put me on any meds for my thyroid because my numbers weren’t in the accepted range; nevermind that I had all the symptoms of hypo-thyroidism and  couldn’t drop any weight regardless how much I exercised and watched what I ate. So, my chiropractor put me on an herbal, saying that research pointed to numbers that my numbers would fall into. That helped some, until one weekend it didn’t.

Not only did the thyroid herbal stop working that weekend, but I started having stomach issues. I was diagnosed with H-Pylori. My elbow started hurting as well, which is a weird symptom. It ended up having to be fixed a couple of years later. All this stuff went wrong on a particular weekend. I remember this weekend. We had gone to a LARPing game. We set up the camper, paid our way in. Before I even got dressed, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I laid down to rest that Friday evening and didn’t get up until it was time to go Sunday morning. Nothing could get me out of bed. Dan had to totally take the camper down and get it hooked to the car by himself. I sat in the car, totally out of it.

I went to the doc. They put me on synthroid and treated me for H. Pylori. But, my stomach still hurt. It hurt all the time. From the time I woke up, all day and throughout the night it hurt. For 3 years it hurt. I even ended up in the emergency room for the pain.  They couldn’t figure out what it was. Finally, a friend of mine with the same symptoms took a look at gluten. When I saw how it fixed her pain by cutting out gluten, I gave it a try. That was it! Gluten was the culprit of my forever hurting stomach.
By the time of figuring this out, I had dropped between 30-40  pounds. Since I didn’t want to get back to 298 pounds, I kept trying things to drop some pounds. My cycle had me losing a bit of weight and then gaining a little back; getting frustrated and losing some more and then gaining a little back.

Some of the stuff I tried that helped me stay motivated: walked 5k’s, trained and walked a half marathon, trained and then walked the Appalacian Trail for a couple of days, continued training to run 5k’s though I hurt myself more than once, spent a year with a personal trainer, ran a 5k. All of this helped, to where I lost 90 pounds. I’ve gained 20 of that back, per my pattern.
After all of this weight loss, I’m now frustrated with how my body looks.

It takes some getting used to. Though, I’m glad I took my time getting it off. I can’t imagine looking in a mirror and accepting myself if I had done the bariatric surgery. I actually took time at various points to slow down and get used to what I was seeing in the mirror.

But, once again, I’m not liking what I’m seeing. When I sit, I look like a melting snowman. When I put on costumes for our various events, they are too tight across the belly. All these pictures being taken and I’m not happy. If it’s from the waist up, sure it looks great. Anything that shows me from the waist down, makes it look like I haven’t lost any weight. It makes me very frustrated with the weight loss. And I really think that’s why I gained 20 pounds back. I was tired of being flabby and deflated looking.

So, I listened to a friend of mine that has had a belt lipectomy and made an appointment with her plastic surgeon. He’s a nice guy and very informative. I asked him how much I should lose, since I’d gained the 20 pounds back. He said he could do it now, but the closer I was to my goal weight the better the end results would look.

So, if I’m going to spend 10k on an elective surgery, I should follow the docs suggestions. It’s time to get this 20 pounds off again.

I bought a journal and create a plan, which lead to designing a spreadsheet to spell out said plan. I like it. It motivates me. Plus, walking to hatch pokemon eggs, plus being in challenges with my fitbit friends, plus the contest between Master and me; it’s all motivational. I’ve got 8 weeks.

Another idea I have is to create a video of the next 8 weeks. I’m looking for some before pics as well so that I can see the difference from 10 years ago and end with after surgery. The idea is really motivating. I wish I had put some dates with some of the pics though. Hopefully, I be able to guess close enough. 

Foot Stompy

I wrote this over a month ago…..wait …almost 2 months ago….but it still applies

I’ve been having a real hard time lately.
2 things….one I can put on my blog and one that I can’t because the men in my life might read it and I don’t want it to be taken passive aggressively.
The one I can blog about is about my weight loss. Only a few more pounds to go to reach a long time goal. Yet, for some reason it’s taking forever to lose this last couple of pounds. Then, I come across 3 different peoples facebooks and it frustrates me. 2 had the surgery and 1 is on a liquid diet. Now, the one on a liquid diet, kudos. She could have easily been a candidate for the surgery but decided to take a different route. She’s lost over 140 pounds in less than a year.

But, the other 2. One definitely needed it for her health. The other, not so much. Doesn’t matter. It’s taken me over 8 years of hard work and psychological struggle to get this 90 some pounds off….and I’m watching them melt away in a matter of months. No exercise. Poof. Or at least that’s what it looks like from my vantage point.


It’s not feeling fair. Why did it take me so long? I don’t begrudge them…..but doing it the hard way, is hard! Changing my foods, exercise, always having to set new goals. Struggle, struggle for many, many years.

I’m feeling very foot stompy and almost wishing that I’d done the surgery. All this missed time of me being stubborn and wanting to do things on my own instead of taking short cuts. Was it worth it? I don’t know.