Trauma

Vulnerability - possible trigger warning

Watching a Ted Talk on vulnerability.
 
I know allowing vulnerability is the key to loving and living fully. And I teach this concept. But, it’s hard for me to embrace in my own life. When I do though, life is so fulfilling.

But, I numb vulnerability. I don’t mean to. If falls into the category of protecting myself.

As she says though, we can’t selectively numb specific emotions. When we numb anger and fear and other ‘negative’ emotions…..we numb them all….joy, happiness, etc. I’ve known this for a very long time. As a matter of fact, the first counselor I ever went to, is because I wanted to learn how not to be numb. My childhood trauma was so ….well….traumatic…that protecting myself seemed top priority.

And oh my God…what if someone starts to like me? That’s scary in and of itself. Why? Because then there are expectations. Rules of engagement. I don’t like expectations of me in a relationship. That’s triggering to the abuse.

Someone wrote me today and asked how I overcame my dislike of being hugged by strangers. I had to tell her that I’ve never really completely overcame this. I mean, why should I hug someone just because
they want me to? The consensus is, because it will hurt their feelings. Well, this was part of the ploy used on me as a kid. As random men touched me inappropriately, from my older brother to the drunks my parents hung out with, to the friend of said brother, to my father himself…..it was on me not to make them get their feelings hurt. What a crock……

Regardless, that’s a little of my story as to why it’s hard for me to be vulnerable.

But, I do find that those moments when I can open myself up and share some of my messy bits, or even some of my light……those are the most fulfilling.

I want to live with my whole heart. I want to feel worthy of loving and belonging. 

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