Surgery post op 23 days

Post Op - Day 23

(small trigger alert)

I’m working through my frustration at still having these 2 drains in. I thought all 4 would be out by day 10. The first 2 were, but these last 2 are hanging in. I know it’s for my own good, since they are still draining, but it’s frustrating. I want to try on some clothes that I’ve never been able to get into before.

I’ve been posting pics from 10 years ago, from when I used to dress up in costumes (LARPing)…and I still have those costumes. I want to try them on and take some before/after pics. That is what will make this surgery and it’s results more real.

I did have someone suggest that I go to a psychologist and make sure that I’m in a happy place with the results of this surgery. It actually makes sense. I know more than a couple of people that have gained weight back after surgery like this. This surgery was too expensive for me to allow that to happen.

But, it could. I got this large for a reason. And the first time I lost a significant amount of weight and someone made a positive comment on how great I looked, I gained it all back, plus more.

Why? Because of a simple comment made by my perp as a child….’if you weren’t so pretty, I just can’t help myself’. So, my weight was my protection against guys that ‘couldn’t help themselves’. I know that that is all horseshit….and it’s not my fault that they molested me……but I can guarantee that that is what my head thought when it came to me gaining weight and not being able to get it off and keep it off.

But, now I have. Almost 100 pounds off. And I’m excited to see what I’m going to look like in sexy clothes.

If I could just get these 2 drains out.

I wish I was younger to enjoy this though. I’ll be 50 this year. But, better now than never.


Surgery post op 15 days

Post OP 15 days

More mobile, though I still can’t put on my own socks

I’m going through moments of boredom, which is leading to some sadness.

Only taking a few pain pills a day.

We are going to try a trip to Dayton to celebrate Christmas Eve with some special people

Feet are cold. Have to wait for Dan to come home before I can get socks.

Watching commercial TV.. Can only take so much Netflix.

Almost have my first scarf of the season crocheted.

I’ve taken some before/after pics. But, because I’m in my underwear, I’m not putting them online yet

Surgery post op 12 days

…..why get a belt lipectomy?

Here I am 12 days post op. I sit here typing, waiting for the pain pills to kick in as I watch Netflix and have a cat walking over me…wanting to sit in my lap, not happy that I’m using a laptop on her nesting pillow.

I’m totally exhausted after wrapping gifts with a friend for a couple of hours. There’s no way I could have done this all myself. I’ve had 3 naps and am doing all I can at the moment to stay awake so that I can finish my daily motivations required by Master. I’ll make sure to spread my duties over the course of the day so as to not wear myself out.

I can’t do any exercise at the moment. Staying awake to get anything done is challenging. I dropped my phone on the floor and it took some creativity to get to it since I can’t bend over.

I can’t sleep with my husband/Master because I have to sleep upright in this recliner. I can’t snuggle with him on the couch because it’s too low and my skin/muscles are too tight.

I can’t drive to do any last minute Christmas shopping. I’ve been invited out for Christmas Eve by the boyfriend. That will be 90 minutes to his house and 90 minutes back. I’ll have to take pain pills, but I really want to see him.

New Years, same thing. I’ve been invited out and I’m going, but it’s a 2 hour drive each way. Pain pills will be needed.

Can’t return to work until mid-december. Though, I’m not too worried about that….just the cut in pay part at the end of my time off. But, we’ll take care of that.

So, why?

I’ve done a little writing about it so far. But, don’t know that I’ve gotten deep into my thoughts/feelings.


I do know that I was unsatisfied with how my body was looking after the weightloss. I’m guessing that’s the main part of it. My skin was so wrinkled and loose. When I laid on my side, I’d have this puddle in front of me that I’d have to work hard at rolling over with. It was like flipping a bowling ball each time I turned over during the night, which was a lot since my hips stay sore.

My clothes never fit right, but is that a reason to go through so much?

Am I doing it for self-confidence?

I’m not so sure. All I know is that it seemed like the right thing to do. I’m just not sure why.

I guess I’ll keep putting the next step forward and see what I can accomplish with this new body.


Surgery - T-5

Belt Lipectomy – 5 days away

Ok….i just typed that….5 days away …and got nauseous. Breathe. It’s going to be ok. I’m all prepped except for a couple little items and I have to prep a couple of meals, and that’s it. The chair was delivered this morning and the table will be here on Sunday. Oh, and I still have to pack the hospital bag. But, I’ll be home the whole day before the surgery and can get any last minute stuff and just relax.

I keep telling myself that this time next week, it will be over with and I’ll be home and sleeping on pain pills. Then, 30 days from now, I’ll me in much better shape. 6 months from now, I’ll be back to running and working out in the gym. Time flies. It will be here sooner than I think.

OK. Breathing and not worrying about it. I have a full weekend of fun and buying a Christmas tree to look forward to.


Surgery - More Prep

T – 8 Days

I’ve been making sure that I’ve got everything checked off my list.

I’m able to log into work from home, in case recovery takes longer than expected.

I’ve talked to someone that has a lift chair and they are going to let me borrow it. This is great, because though someone donated a recliner to me, if I can get a lift chair, it’s going to make recovery much easier.

I went and bought compression socks today and went onto amazon and bought me a hat since I won’t be washing my hair and I’ll have people coming over to sit with me.

The husband of my husband’s girlfriend offered me to movies from his collection. He has over 1100 movies. I chose about 8 movies.

A friend is bringing over a table tray leftover from her recovery after a serious car accident.

What’s left?

Grocery shopping and preparing meals. …..and buying a Christmas Tree. And a few other things i mentioned in the last blog entry.

If so, I’ll be getting those done soon. I plan on grocery shopping tonight after my boyfriend leaves.

Then, it’s just waiting and making some youtube videos leading up to the surgery.

And….getting used to the idea of having a smaller middle.

I was sitting in the recliner this morning, looked down, saw how my ‘hips’ meet the sides of the chair. I lift up my nightgown and grab the folds. I pulled them into the middle of my stomach and see how much room there is between me and the sides of the chair. All of that is supposedly going to be gone when I wake up after surgery next Thursday. It’s a weird feeling. That’s part of my body. And it’s going to be cut off. What a weird concept.

When I thought I was going to have a hysterectomy a couple of years back, I cried and cried because they were going to have to cut out part of my body. ….Now there is no crying. It’s sort of surreal to see my belly and know it’s going to be different in a week.

All I have to do now, is to not think about the 6 hours of surgery. 

Surgery Prep

I’m continuing to put things in place for the surgery. I have someone bringing me a mobile bedside table and I’m setting people up to come keep an eye on me once Dan goes back to work.
And someone at work just shared something with me. I have a fear of dropping my phone on the floor and not being able to call anyone while I’m stuck in the chair. I won’t be able to bend over to get it. Well, when I expressed this, she told me about a product called a gopher. It’s a reacher thingie with suction cups on it. What a great idea! I just went to amazon and ordered one. So there is another fear taken care of. And I’ve got people stopping by the first couple of days after Dan goes to work.

And I’ve also created a packing list for my hospital stay. Plus, yesterday I bought some sweatpants to come home from the hospital in. Problem is, I have no idea what size I’ll be. Plus, I’ll have the drains in. So, do I buy big pants or pants that I won’t have to worry about them falling down? Well, what I did was bought a bigger size than what I wear now, and made sure they have drawstrings. That way I can tie them on. But, honestly, I’m also thinking of just wearing a dress with leg warmers home from the hospital. I’m packing both.
So, left to do:

Pack overnight bag
Get table from Stephanie
Set up table next to recliner
Set up charging station next to recliner
Get Walker and wedge cushions from Trina
Prep freezer meals
Prep breakfasts and lunches
Figure out how to log into work from home
Prep Dan’s morning pills

Since it’s also the holiday season, I need to think about getting the Christmas Tree this weekend, and shopping for gifts. Though, I usually do most of my shopping through Amazon, so I can actually wait on that. 

Surgery reflections

Not exactly sure where I’m going to put this journaling about my surgery just yet, but I definitely need to journal. I want to do another youtube video as well, before surgery.

So, Belt Lipectomy.

10 days until surgery on Dec. 8
th. 10 days.

Just a couple of days ago, it was 2 weeks. Now it’s 10 days. And honestly, it’s a little scary. I’ve been able to play it off like it’s nothing, emotionally……even though logically I know it’s a big deal. Then, my husband admitted to me that he realized it was a big deal. And the fact that it’s happening next week. I’m lining people up to stop in and check on me. It’s going to happen.

There are little things to think about. I won’t be able to sit on my meditation cushion for weeks if not months. Getting out of this recliner may or may not work. I joke about watching Netflix and have a list of shows and movies, but in reality I’ll probably sleep the first week and hope I don’t get stuck in this chair.

Going to the bathroom isa big concern for me. I won’t have someone home to help out. What if I can’t sit on the toilet? Well, I thought of that answer yesterday. We have a walk in shower. If all I have to do is pee, I can walk into the shower to do so. No bending required. Then, I’ll have a towel to sit on or a chuck on my chair.

I’m hoping I’m like some of the girls on youtube that are up and moving in a couple of days. But, in all reality, I’ll probably be like the ones that are down and out for a couple of weeks. Though, I don’t want to make that happen by thinking about it too hard.

As I pulled on my leggings up and over my belly this morning, I realized I’m just ready to have it gone.

A very wise person (Mike Conley), told me that it’s my last connection to the past. That made me cry. That’s truer than even he may know.

Belt Lipectomy

Not sure that I spelled this word right…

It’s been a long time trying to get this weight off. My pics of me at my highest weight put it after 2001, because I’m wearing my collar. But, I’m not sure just how long ago. I do remember standing on the scale at the house in Grove City, and seeing 298 pounds and refusing to let it go any higher. It was right after that that I got sick. Let’s see, I would have gotten sick around ……don’t remember, but checking with my chiropractor. She will have the date around the weekend that I got sick.

When I got sick, my whole body changed. My thyroid herbal had stopped working, so she put me on an animal based one. My primary doctor had refused to put me on any meds for my thyroid because my numbers weren’t in the accepted range; nevermind that I had all the symptoms of hypo-thyroidism and  couldn’t drop any weight regardless how much I exercised and watched what I ate. So, my chiropractor put me on an herbal, saying that research pointed to numbers that my numbers would fall into. That helped some, until one weekend it didn’t.

Not only did the thyroid herbal stop working that weekend, but I started having stomach issues. I was diagnosed with H-Pylori. My elbow started hurting as well, which is a weird symptom. It ended up having to be fixed a couple of years later. All this stuff went wrong on a particular weekend. I remember this weekend. We had gone to a LARPing game. We set up the camper, paid our way in. Before I even got dressed, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I laid down to rest that Friday evening and didn’t get up until it was time to go Sunday morning. Nothing could get me out of bed. Dan had to totally take the camper down and get it hooked to the car by himself. I sat in the car, totally out of it.

I went to the doc. They put me on synthroid and treated me for H. Pylori. But, my stomach still hurt. It hurt all the time. From the time I woke up, all day and throughout the night it hurt. For 3 years it hurt. I even ended up in the emergency room for the pain.  They couldn’t figure out what it was. Finally, a friend of mine with the same symptoms took a look at gluten. When I saw how it fixed her pain by cutting out gluten, I gave it a try. That was it! Gluten was the culprit of my forever hurting stomach.
By the time of figuring this out, I had dropped between 30-40  pounds. Since I didn’t want to get back to 298 pounds, I kept trying things to drop some pounds. My cycle had me losing a bit of weight and then gaining a little back; getting frustrated and losing some more and then gaining a little back.

Some of the stuff I tried that helped me stay motivated: walked 5k’s, trained and walked a half marathon, trained and then walked the Appalacian Trail for a couple of days, continued training to run 5k’s though I hurt myself more than once, spent a year with a personal trainer, ran a 5k. All of this helped, to where I lost 90 pounds. I’ve gained 20 of that back, per my pattern.
After all of this weight loss, I’m now frustrated with how my body looks.

It takes some getting used to. Though, I’m glad I took my time getting it off. I can’t imagine looking in a mirror and accepting myself if I had done the bariatric surgery. I actually took time at various points to slow down and get used to what I was seeing in the mirror.

But, once again, I’m not liking what I’m seeing. When I sit, I look like a melting snowman. When I put on costumes for our various events, they are too tight across the belly. All these pictures being taken and I’m not happy. If it’s from the waist up, sure it looks great. Anything that shows me from the waist down, makes it look like I haven’t lost any weight. It makes me very frustrated with the weight loss. And I really think that’s why I gained 20 pounds back. I was tired of being flabby and deflated looking.

So, I listened to a friend of mine that has had a belt lipectomy and made an appointment with her plastic surgeon. He’s a nice guy and very informative. I asked him how much I should lose, since I’d gained the 20 pounds back. He said he could do it now, but the closer I was to my goal weight the better the end results would look.

So, if I’m going to spend 10k on an elective surgery, I should follow the docs suggestions. It’s time to get this 20 pounds off again.

I bought a journal and create a plan, which lead to designing a spreadsheet to spell out said plan. I like it. It motivates me. Plus, walking to hatch pokemon eggs, plus being in challenges with my fitbit friends, plus the contest between Master and me; it’s all motivational. I’ve got 8 weeks.

Another idea I have is to create a video of the next 8 weeks. I’m looking for some before pics as well so that I can see the difference from 10 years ago and end with after surgery. The idea is really motivating. I wish I had put some dates with some of the pics though. Hopefully, I be able to guess close enough. 

Worthy of Being Protected *trigger warning*

*Trigger Warning*

Sorry for the Trigger warning…but not knowing who is reading this and what their background may be, i thought i’d put it out there. i have childhood abuse issues. Though i try not to give details, some things are hard not to talk about and still give a full story. So, though i don’t recount the horror, there are pieces that could trigger your own stuff by reading this. Please be aware.


It’s frustrating to realize that somethings that happen today, at the age of 49, still trigger fears from the past. Will it always be this way? Probably. At least I’m more aware of it now, but it’s still frustrating.

For example, at work. This woman there has been getting more and more passive/aggressive. So, much so that I started looking for other work. Twice I’ve had to stop conversations with her because of her aggressiveness. The first time I told her that the conversation was over. The second time I just told her ‘no’, when she started to raise her voice. This didn’t go over well. Not well at all.

She then sent me a message stating that that was strike 2. Now, I’m feeling threatened. Threatened enough that I don’t feel safe at work anymore. Threatened enough to want to walk away from the job. It all feels passive/aggressive and manipulative. I don’t deal well with that.

Then, per normal, I start looking at my actions. Maybe I did something to cause this. What did I do? I can’t think of anything. Not acceptable. Of course I did something. Why else would someone treat me this way? But, I just can’t think of anything. Think harder dawn.

Wait. Why can’t it just be their fault? Why does it have to be because I did something wrong? Oh yeah. Because that is what I was raised to believe. Someone else’s actions were always my fault. I caused things to happen, even at the age of 4 when I was first abused. The person doing the abusing was never at fault. So, here at work, as a grown adult, I’m trying to convince myself that I’ve done something wrong.

On top of that, is the idea of telling someone. I really didn’t want to tell anyone. But, I wanted to keep my job. I needed to tell someone or I would walk away from a great job that gives me time off when I need it so that I can do my traveling/presenting. I don’t want to quit my job, so I need to talk to someone before it escalates beyond a level I can handle.

Terrifying prospect. I was still convinced that if I told someone and they looked at the situation hard enough, they would find it to be my fault. Damn 15 years of the perpetrators words whispering in my head. They (the perps of long ago) convinced me that if I ever told, I would be sent away. You would think that would be a good thing. But, to a child, being sent to strangers is even more scary than staying in a bad situation. What do they say? It’s easier to stay with the monster you know, than the monster you don’t’ know? Something like that. Plus, we are talking about brainwashing that started at the age of 4 through my teen years, until I left home at 18. During this whole time, I was told it was my fault and if I told anyone, I would be thrown away.

Those tapes are still in my head. It’s my fault. I’ll be thrown away. I’m not worth being protected.

But, my company took me by surprise. They looked at the logs of the conversations between me and the woman I complained about. Not only was my complaint justified, they found other spots that they considered unprofessional and asked if I wanted to file complaints about those. I said ‘no’. I was still surprised that they were taking my side. Protecting me. Letting me know that I was of value to them. Not what I expected.

Wow. This was a first for me. I was right. I hadn’t done anything wrong and it really was the other person acting unprofessional.
I’m still not sure what to do with that.

The other person actually offered to apologize to me. And did so. I accepted the apology. That’s something i never had happen in the past either.

Who knows what happens from here on out.

Will it layer onto the past? Will I be able to get to the point where I truly accept it wasn’t my fault? Where I can believe that I was worthy of being protected?

Who knows, but it’s possible. 

Shining the Light

I feel like I’ve been lacking in my blogging, but it’s hard to come up with things to talk about……

So what to talk about……

Today, I think I’ll write about the fear of someone finding out something about your past. Someone that you are in a deep, loving relationship with.

I’m growing in a relationship, and though I’ve shared absolutely everything with my husband, I haven’t shared everything with the newer relationship. Not that I’m hiding things, but haven’t seen the need. Are we supposed to be sharing everything with each other? We haven’t discussed that. Actually, we have such a difference of opinion on so many things, that we don’t always discuss heavy topics.

Well, over the weekend, we had a great time and a long car ride and train ride. So, we had a lot of time to talk about a lot of things. Which means we talked about a lot of deep stuff. And we talked about our feelings on the subjects even though they are so different.

One of the topics sent me spinning. He was so passionate with how he felt about a certain topic and how he felt about people that participated in it. Well, in my past, I participated in it. Well, we discussed it and then the topic changed before I could figure out how to tell him. I was scared. What if I mentioned it and he made an instant decision that we couldn’t be together? I love him. I don’t want to lose him. But, is it worth not telling him?

It’s not. I need to tell him. Then, he needs to make up his mind if it’s something that he can deal with. It’s scary. I was so triggered. I thought I had laid my guilt to rest over my actions of the past. I thought I had worked through it. But, what had happened was I had found a partner that understood my guilt and shame, and helped me work through it. If I have friends that would be against it, I just wouldn’t have them as friends anymore. Ummm, I take that back. I’m ok with someone being against it. Hell, in most situations I’m against it as well. But, in my situation, it was the right choice. ….but I wouldn’t have them as friends if they judged me.

I’m afraid of him judging me. I don’t know that I could handle that. But, living in that fear, is triggering itself. I have to tell him. I just have to make sure it’s not when I’m triggered. And I don’t want to assume how he’s going to react. That seems judgmental on my part as well and I don’t want to be that person.

So, I need to share. I need to shine a light on this. If I don’t, it will become part of my shadow again. That isn’t a good place for me to be. I have to fix this.

It’s scary. But, I can’t be in a relationship where I keep secrets out of fear.

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