Trust

Rough Body Play


rough


Some people wonder what it is about rough body play that I enjoy so much. Sometimes I wonder that same thing.

Well, I tried to explain it on the podcast recently, but am not sure I did a great job of it. As a presenter and podcast host and author, it’s funny how many times i get stuck trying to put feelings into words.

But, i’ll give it a try….

There are a couple of reasons. First of all, I like to trust someone so much that they can let their inner beast out to play. I trust them not to go too far. They can only do this in a consensual way, if they are trusted. I like being the person that allows them to play with this part of themselves. Second, it puts me into my body. As an introvert with PTSD, I spend a LOT of time in my head. It detaches me from physical sensation that can be overwhelming. But, when I’m not feeling my body, it means that I experience the world through a ‘numb bubble’. That’s not how I want to interact with the world. I want to be grounded in my body, and rough body play does that for me. Plus, as long as I’m in a safe place, with a person that cares about me and my experience, the endorphins are amazing! Intense! I like intense emotions in my play.

This only works for me in consensual rough play though. If it’s not consensual, it turns into adrenaline, which becomes the fight or flight response. Not my happy place. Hmmmm, ok, there is a little of that going on as well, wondering if they are going to go over the edge of their control. But, it’s hot watching them let the beast out and take themselves to the edge. To be so passionate that they want to take me, but knowing that there is a line they can’t cross. Hot, hot.

Some of this can’t be explained. It’s a feeling not a thought. It’s a tingle. It’s a sparkle in the eye. It’s heat. There is a little fear involved. There is a lot of trust. There is a lot of vulnerability on both sides. Both have to let down their walls to a degree. Underneath, there is actually a layer of compassion and forgiveness on both sides. Think about it. If someone punches someone wrong and there is damage done, both need to come from a sense of compassion, both for the person that was damaged and the one that did the damage. There also has to be that layer of forgiveness towards the one doing the damage, as it wasn’t the intent. If the one being punched turns around in anger, they’ve just destroyed the trust. Seems backwards, doesn’t it? But, if you don’t come from a place of forgiveness, the person on Top isn’t going to trust themselves to be on top again.

Comments

Positive Thinking in Poly



think-positive


From ‘Daily Om - As Blessed As You Want to Be’ - 10/11/13
‘Positive thinking dramatically increases your
chances of success in any endeavor. When you’re sure that you are worthy and that achievement is within your grasp, you start to relax and look for solutions rather than dwelling on problems. You are more likely to imagine positive situations or outcomes and disregard the thoughts related to giving up, failure, or roadblocks. What the mind expects, it finds. If you anticipate joy, good health, happiness, and accomplishment, then you will experience each one. Thinking positively may sound like a simple shift in attention – and it is – but it is a mind-set that must be developed. Whenever a negative thought enters your mind, try immediately replacing it with a constructive or optimistic one. With persistence, you can condition your mind to judge fleeting, self- defeating thoughts as inconsequential and dismiss them.’

This is part of an email that gets delivered to my email daily; the Daily Om. And I kept this one because it really spoke to me in so many ways.

Positive thinking....I’ve been told many times over the years, as I’ve tried to pull myself from the Dark Night of the Soul that I was experiencing, that it just a matter of changing my mind to be positive. That suggestion really pissed me off. I was going through the most horrendous time of my life, not counting the sexual abuse as a child, and the person I had gone to for help, told me to change my mind and be positive. I literally wanted to punch them, except that it would take too much energy on my part, and I would rather have gone to bed, if the truth be told.

During that time in my life, I was too deep in the black hole to just change my mind and be ok. I got professional help on the order of my Master/husband. I learned more tools. It took awhile, but slowly I pulled out of the spiral.

That was a few years back. Since then I’ve put some of those tools to work, and believe it or not, positive thinking (manual mode) has been one of the tools that I rely on heavily, and I usually use it with another tool, a mantra.

When my husband and I were going through a rough time in our poly dynamic, we both needed to learn some skills, a mantra was my saving grace. Then, when I learned about ‘manual mode’, I used the mantra to start me off in a private positive thinking mode to pull me out of whatever triggered me. That’s a great way to use positive thinking and I teach it to many as a tool for poly and for power exchange dynamics. I guess it could be used in a regular relationship, but I don’t have much experience with that, simply because my vanilla partners weren’t interested in personal growth. It’s only been the alternative relationships that have been interested in that.

There are a couple of ways positive thinking can be beneficial when it comes to relationships then. With my husband, if I was triggered, I taught myself the mantra, ‘Love, Trust, Faith’. I loved him and knew that he loved me. I trusted him completely. I had Faith that we would succeed and that the Universe had put us together as partners for a reason. That mantra allowed me to breathe and to line up my emotions so that I could think clearly instead of in a negative, triggered state. Positive Thinking.

The other way it’s beneficial is that the longer you live with positive experiences with positive thinking, the more positive things happen. Specifically in poly, I find that the more I experience, the more confident I am. The more I relax. The more I’m ok with the outcome, regardless of what it may be, because I know I’ll be ok. The more positive I am, the more expansive I am. People feel that and are drawn towards it.

I believe that is what allowed my secondary relationship to happen. We started off with a big mis-understanding right off the bat and I believe it’s because I kept a positive attitude about it that it worked out. If I had been negative, I would have walked away, not believing I deserved a positive outcome.

I like being in that positive state. It brings such opportunities and blessings.

Comments