Vulnerability

Vulnerability - possible trigger warning

Watching a Ted Talk on vulnerability.
 
I know allowing vulnerability is the key to loving and living fully. And I teach this concept. But, it’s hard for me to embrace in my own life. When I do though, life is so fulfilling.

But, I numb vulnerability. I don’t mean to. If falls into the category of protecting myself.

As she says though, we can’t selectively numb specific emotions. When we numb anger and fear and other ‘negative’ emotions…..we numb them all….joy, happiness, etc. I’ve known this for a very long time. As a matter of fact, the first counselor I ever went to, is because I wanted to learn how not to be numb. My childhood trauma was so ….well….traumatic…that protecting myself seemed top priority.

And oh my God…what if someone starts to like me? That’s scary in and of itself. Why? Because then there are expectations. Rules of engagement. I don’t like expectations of me in a relationship. That’s triggering to the abuse.

Someone wrote me today and asked how I overcame my dislike of being hugged by strangers. I had to tell her that I’ve never really completely overcame this. I mean, why should I hug someone just because
they want me to? The consensus is, because it will hurt their feelings. Well, this was part of the ploy used on me as a kid. As random men touched me inappropriately, from my older brother to the drunks my parents hung out with, to the friend of said brother, to my father himself…..it was on me not to make them get their feelings hurt. What a crock……

Regardless, that’s a little of my story as to why it’s hard for me to be vulnerable.

But, I do find that those moments when I can open myself up and share some of my messy bits, or even some of my light……those are the most fulfilling.

I want to live with my whole heart. I want to feel worthy of loving and belonging. 

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Rough Body Play


rough


Some people wonder what it is about rough body play that I enjoy so much. Sometimes I wonder that same thing.

Well, I tried to explain it on the podcast recently, but am not sure I did a great job of it. As a presenter and podcast host and author, it’s funny how many times i get stuck trying to put feelings into words.

But, i’ll give it a try….

There are a couple of reasons. First of all, I like to trust someone so much that they can let their inner beast out to play. I trust them not to go too far. They can only do this in a consensual way, if they are trusted. I like being the person that allows them to play with this part of themselves. Second, it puts me into my body. As an introvert with PTSD, I spend a LOT of time in my head. It detaches me from physical sensation that can be overwhelming. But, when I’m not feeling my body, it means that I experience the world through a ‘numb bubble’. That’s not how I want to interact with the world. I want to be grounded in my body, and rough body play does that for me. Plus, as long as I’m in a safe place, with a person that cares about me and my experience, the endorphins are amazing! Intense! I like intense emotions in my play.

This only works for me in consensual rough play though. If it’s not consensual, it turns into adrenaline, which becomes the fight or flight response. Not my happy place. Hmmmm, ok, there is a little of that going on as well, wondering if they are going to go over the edge of their control. But, it’s hot watching them let the beast out and take themselves to the edge. To be so passionate that they want to take me, but knowing that there is a line they can’t cross. Hot, hot.

Some of this can’t be explained. It’s a feeling not a thought. It’s a tingle. It’s a sparkle in the eye. It’s heat. There is a little fear involved. There is a lot of trust. There is a lot of vulnerability on both sides. Both have to let down their walls to a degree. Underneath, there is actually a layer of compassion and forgiveness on both sides. Think about it. If someone punches someone wrong and there is damage done, both need to come from a sense of compassion, both for the person that was damaged and the one that did the damage. There also has to be that layer of forgiveness towards the one doing the damage, as it wasn’t the intent. If the one being punched turns around in anger, they’ve just destroyed the trust. Seems backwards, doesn’t it? But, if you don’t come from a place of forgiveness, the person on Top isn’t going to trust themselves to be on top again.

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