Surgery post op 23 days

Post Op - Day 23

(small trigger alert)

I’m working through my frustration at still having these 2 drains in. I thought all 4 would be out by day 10. The first 2 were, but these last 2 are hanging in. I know it’s for my own good, since they are still draining, but it’s frustrating. I want to try on some clothes that I’ve never been able to get into before.

I’ve been posting pics from 10 years ago, from when I used to dress up in costumes (LARPing)…and I still have those costumes. I want to try them on and take some before/after pics. That is what will make this surgery and it’s results more real.

I did have someone suggest that I go to a psychologist and make sure that I’m in a happy place with the results of this surgery. It actually makes sense. I know more than a couple of people that have gained weight back after surgery like this. This surgery was too expensive for me to allow that to happen.

But, it could. I got this large for a reason. And the first time I lost a significant amount of weight and someone made a positive comment on how great I looked, I gained it all back, plus more.

Why? Because of a simple comment made by my perp as a child….’if you weren’t so pretty, I just can’t help myself’. So, my weight was my protection against guys that ‘couldn’t help themselves’. I know that that is all horseshit….and it’s not my fault that they molested me……but I can guarantee that that is what my head thought when it came to me gaining weight and not being able to get it off and keep it off.

But, now I have. Almost 100 pounds off. And I’m excited to see what I’m going to look like in sexy clothes.

If I could just get these 2 drains out.

I wish I was younger to enjoy this though. I’ll be 50 this year. But, better now than never.


Surgery post op 15 days

Post OP 15 days

More mobile, though I still can’t put on my own socks

I’m going through moments of boredom, which is leading to some sadness.

Only taking a few pain pills a day.

We are going to try a trip to Dayton to celebrate Christmas Eve with some special people

Feet are cold. Have to wait for Dan to come home before I can get socks.

Watching commercial TV.. Can only take so much Netflix.

Almost have my first scarf of the season crocheted.

I’ve taken some before/after pics. But, because I’m in my underwear, I’m not putting them online yet

Surgery post op 12 days

…..why get a belt lipectomy?

Here I am 12 days post op. I sit here typing, waiting for the pain pills to kick in as I watch Netflix and have a cat walking over me…wanting to sit in my lap, not happy that I’m using a laptop on her nesting pillow.

I’m totally exhausted after wrapping gifts with a friend for a couple of hours. There’s no way I could have done this all myself. I’ve had 3 naps and am doing all I can at the moment to stay awake so that I can finish my daily motivations required by Master. I’ll make sure to spread my duties over the course of the day so as to not wear myself out.

I can’t do any exercise at the moment. Staying awake to get anything done is challenging. I dropped my phone on the floor and it took some creativity to get to it since I can’t bend over.

I can’t sleep with my husband/Master because I have to sleep upright in this recliner. I can’t snuggle with him on the couch because it’s too low and my skin/muscles are too tight.

I can’t drive to do any last minute Christmas shopping. I’ve been invited out for Christmas Eve by the boyfriend. That will be 90 minutes to his house and 90 minutes back. I’ll have to take pain pills, but I really want to see him.

New Years, same thing. I’ve been invited out and I’m going, but it’s a 2 hour drive each way. Pain pills will be needed.

Can’t return to work until mid-december. Though, I’m not too worried about that….just the cut in pay part at the end of my time off. But, we’ll take care of that.

So, why?

I’ve done a little writing about it so far. But, don’t know that I’ve gotten deep into my thoughts/feelings.


I do know that I was unsatisfied with how my body was looking after the weightloss. I’m guessing that’s the main part of it. My skin was so wrinkled and loose. When I laid on my side, I’d have this puddle in front of me that I’d have to work hard at rolling over with. It was like flipping a bowling ball each time I turned over during the night, which was a lot since my hips stay sore.

My clothes never fit right, but is that a reason to go through so much?

Am I doing it for self-confidence?

I’m not so sure. All I know is that it seemed like the right thing to do. I’m just not sure why.

I guess I’ll keep putting the next step forward and see what I can accomplish with this new body.


Surgery - T-5

Belt Lipectomy – 5 days away

Ok….i just typed that….5 days away …and got nauseous. Breathe. It’s going to be ok. I’m all prepped except for a couple little items and I have to prep a couple of meals, and that’s it. The chair was delivered this morning and the table will be here on Sunday. Oh, and I still have to pack the hospital bag. But, I’ll be home the whole day before the surgery and can get any last minute stuff and just relax.

I keep telling myself that this time next week, it will be over with and I’ll be home and sleeping on pain pills. Then, 30 days from now, I’ll me in much better shape. 6 months from now, I’ll be back to running and working out in the gym. Time flies. It will be here sooner than I think.

OK. Breathing and not worrying about it. I have a full weekend of fun and buying a Christmas tree to look forward to.


Surgery - More Prep

T – 8 Days

I’ve been making sure that I’ve got everything checked off my list.

I’m able to log into work from home, in case recovery takes longer than expected.

I’ve talked to someone that has a lift chair and they are going to let me borrow it. This is great, because though someone donated a recliner to me, if I can get a lift chair, it’s going to make recovery much easier.

I went and bought compression socks today and went onto amazon and bought me a hat since I won’t be washing my hair and I’ll have people coming over to sit with me.

The husband of my husband’s girlfriend offered me to movies from his collection. He has over 1100 movies. I chose about 8 movies.

A friend is bringing over a table tray leftover from her recovery after a serious car accident.

What’s left?

Grocery shopping and preparing meals. …..and buying a Christmas Tree. And a few other things i mentioned in the last blog entry.

If so, I’ll be getting those done soon. I plan on grocery shopping tonight after my boyfriend leaves.

Then, it’s just waiting and making some youtube videos leading up to the surgery.

And….getting used to the idea of having a smaller middle.

I was sitting in the recliner this morning, looked down, saw how my ‘hips’ meet the sides of the chair. I lift up my nightgown and grab the folds. I pulled them into the middle of my stomach and see how much room there is between me and the sides of the chair. All of that is supposedly going to be gone when I wake up after surgery next Thursday. It’s a weird feeling. That’s part of my body. And it’s going to be cut off. What a weird concept.

When I thought I was going to have a hysterectomy a couple of years back, I cried and cried because they were going to have to cut out part of my body. ….Now there is no crying. It’s sort of surreal to see my belly and know it’s going to be different in a week.

All I have to do now, is to not think about the 6 hours of surgery. 

Surgery Prep

I’m continuing to put things in place for the surgery. I have someone bringing me a mobile bedside table and I’m setting people up to come keep an eye on me once Dan goes back to work.
And someone at work just shared something with me. I have a fear of dropping my phone on the floor and not being able to call anyone while I’m stuck in the chair. I won’t be able to bend over to get it. Well, when I expressed this, she told me about a product called a gopher. It’s a reacher thingie with suction cups on it. What a great idea! I just went to amazon and ordered one. So there is another fear taken care of. And I’ve got people stopping by the first couple of days after Dan goes to work.

And I’ve also created a packing list for my hospital stay. Plus, yesterday I bought some sweatpants to come home from the hospital in. Problem is, I have no idea what size I’ll be. Plus, I’ll have the drains in. So, do I buy big pants or pants that I won’t have to worry about them falling down? Well, what I did was bought a bigger size than what I wear now, and made sure they have drawstrings. That way I can tie them on. But, honestly, I’m also thinking of just wearing a dress with leg warmers home from the hospital. I’m packing both.
So, left to do:

Pack overnight bag
Get table from Stephanie
Set up table next to recliner
Set up charging station next to recliner
Get Walker and wedge cushions from Trina
Prep freezer meals
Prep breakfasts and lunches
Figure out how to log into work from home
Prep Dan’s morning pills

Since it’s also the holiday season, I need to think about getting the Christmas Tree this weekend, and shopping for gifts. Though, I usually do most of my shopping through Amazon, so I can actually wait on that. 

Surgery reflections

Not exactly sure where I’m going to put this journaling about my surgery just yet, but I definitely need to journal. I want to do another youtube video as well, before surgery.

So, Belt Lipectomy.

10 days until surgery on Dec. 8
th. 10 days.

Just a couple of days ago, it was 2 weeks. Now it’s 10 days. And honestly, it’s a little scary. I’ve been able to play it off like it’s nothing, emotionally……even though logically I know it’s a big deal. Then, my husband admitted to me that he realized it was a big deal. And the fact that it’s happening next week. I’m lining people up to stop in and check on me. It’s going to happen.

There are little things to think about. I won’t be able to sit on my meditation cushion for weeks if not months. Getting out of this recliner may or may not work. I joke about watching Netflix and have a list of shows and movies, but in reality I’ll probably sleep the first week and hope I don’t get stuck in this chair.

Going to the bathroom isa big concern for me. I won’t have someone home to help out. What if I can’t sit on the toilet? Well, I thought of that answer yesterday. We have a walk in shower. If all I have to do is pee, I can walk into the shower to do so. No bending required. Then, I’ll have a towel to sit on or a chuck on my chair.

I’m hoping I’m like some of the girls on youtube that are up and moving in a couple of days. But, in all reality, I’ll probably be like the ones that are down and out for a couple of weeks. Though, I don’t want to make that happen by thinking about it too hard.

As I pulled on my leggings up and over my belly this morning, I realized I’m just ready to have it gone.

A very wise person (Mike Conley), told me that it’s my last connection to the past. That made me cry. That’s truer than even he may know.

Belt Lipectomy

Not sure that I spelled this word right…

It’s been a long time trying to get this weight off. My pics of me at my highest weight put it after 2001, because I’m wearing my collar. But, I’m not sure just how long ago. I do remember standing on the scale at the house in Grove City, and seeing 298 pounds and refusing to let it go any higher. It was right after that that I got sick. Let’s see, I would have gotten sick around ……don’t remember, but checking with my chiropractor. She will have the date around the weekend that I got sick.

When I got sick, my whole body changed. My thyroid herbal had stopped working, so she put me on an animal based one. My primary doctor had refused to put me on any meds for my thyroid because my numbers weren’t in the accepted range; nevermind that I had all the symptoms of hypo-thyroidism and  couldn’t drop any weight regardless how much I exercised and watched what I ate. So, my chiropractor put me on an herbal, saying that research pointed to numbers that my numbers would fall into. That helped some, until one weekend it didn’t.

Not only did the thyroid herbal stop working that weekend, but I started having stomach issues. I was diagnosed with H-Pylori. My elbow started hurting as well, which is a weird symptom. It ended up having to be fixed a couple of years later. All this stuff went wrong on a particular weekend. I remember this weekend. We had gone to a LARPing game. We set up the camper, paid our way in. Before I even got dressed, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I laid down to rest that Friday evening and didn’t get up until it was time to go Sunday morning. Nothing could get me out of bed. Dan had to totally take the camper down and get it hooked to the car by himself. I sat in the car, totally out of it.

I went to the doc. They put me on synthroid and treated me for H. Pylori. But, my stomach still hurt. It hurt all the time. From the time I woke up, all day and throughout the night it hurt. For 3 years it hurt. I even ended up in the emergency room for the pain.  They couldn’t figure out what it was. Finally, a friend of mine with the same symptoms took a look at gluten. When I saw how it fixed her pain by cutting out gluten, I gave it a try. That was it! Gluten was the culprit of my forever hurting stomach.
By the time of figuring this out, I had dropped between 30-40  pounds. Since I didn’t want to get back to 298 pounds, I kept trying things to drop some pounds. My cycle had me losing a bit of weight and then gaining a little back; getting frustrated and losing some more and then gaining a little back.

Some of the stuff I tried that helped me stay motivated: walked 5k’s, trained and walked a half marathon, trained and then walked the Appalacian Trail for a couple of days, continued training to run 5k’s though I hurt myself more than once, spent a year with a personal trainer, ran a 5k. All of this helped, to where I lost 90 pounds. I’ve gained 20 of that back, per my pattern.
After all of this weight loss, I’m now frustrated with how my body looks.

It takes some getting used to. Though, I’m glad I took my time getting it off. I can’t imagine looking in a mirror and accepting myself if I had done the bariatric surgery. I actually took time at various points to slow down and get used to what I was seeing in the mirror.

But, once again, I’m not liking what I’m seeing. When I sit, I look like a melting snowman. When I put on costumes for our various events, they are too tight across the belly. All these pictures being taken and I’m not happy. If it’s from the waist up, sure it looks great. Anything that shows me from the waist down, makes it look like I haven’t lost any weight. It makes me very frustrated with the weight loss. And I really think that’s why I gained 20 pounds back. I was tired of being flabby and deflated looking.

So, I listened to a friend of mine that has had a belt lipectomy and made an appointment with her plastic surgeon. He’s a nice guy and very informative. I asked him how much I should lose, since I’d gained the 20 pounds back. He said he could do it now, but the closer I was to my goal weight the better the end results would look.

So, if I’m going to spend 10k on an elective surgery, I should follow the docs suggestions. It’s time to get this 20 pounds off again.

I bought a journal and create a plan, which lead to designing a spreadsheet to spell out said plan. I like it. It motivates me. Plus, walking to hatch pokemon eggs, plus being in challenges with my fitbit friends, plus the contest between Master and me; it’s all motivational. I’ve got 8 weeks.

Another idea I have is to create a video of the next 8 weeks. I’m looking for some before pics as well so that I can see the difference from 10 years ago and end with after surgery. The idea is really motivating. I wish I had put some dates with some of the pics though. Hopefully, I be able to guess close enough. 

Foot Stompy

I wrote this over a month ago…..wait …almost 2 months ago….but it still applies

I’ve been having a real hard time lately.
2 things….one I can put on my blog and one that I can’t because the men in my life might read it and I don’t want it to be taken passive aggressively.
The one I can blog about is about my weight loss. Only a few more pounds to go to reach a long time goal. Yet, for some reason it’s taking forever to lose this last couple of pounds. Then, I come across 3 different peoples facebooks and it frustrates me. 2 had the surgery and 1 is on a liquid diet. Now, the one on a liquid diet, kudos. She could have easily been a candidate for the surgery but decided to take a different route. She’s lost over 140 pounds in less than a year.

But, the other 2. One definitely needed it for her health. The other, not so much. Doesn’t matter. It’s taken me over 8 years of hard work and psychological struggle to get this 90 some pounds off….and I’m watching them melt away in a matter of months. No exercise. Poof. Or at least that’s what it looks like from my vantage point.


It’s not feeling fair. Why did it take me so long? I don’t begrudge them…..but doing it the hard way, is hard! Changing my foods, exercise, always having to set new goals. Struggle, struggle for many, many years.

I’m feeling very foot stompy and almost wishing that I’d done the surgery. All this missed time of me being stubborn and wanting to do things on my own instead of taking short cuts. Was it worth it? I don’t know.

Fear of Losing Weight

best-way-to-lose-weight-1 copy

I know I’ve written about this before. But, for many years I’ve known that I’ve been scared to lose weight.

I used to joke about how my weight was my armor. And the night I asked a kiniesiologist what my problem was with the fact that I couldn’t lose weight…she was able to pinpoint how I used it as armove because of the abuse I exposed to as a child. (of course, this experience with her was the catalyst that threw me into the fire of my healing path)

Fast forward to last night. I was looking through some paperwork that I had stored in my black cube in the livingroom, looking for my folder from last years taxes. Instead, I came across old journals and old guided meditations, among some other interesting papers that I’m going to scan. In these journals was my fear journal that I used to keep. This journal is from 2005.

Funny, I was just talking about that journal at work, because the main fear I wrote about was my fear of guns. In this fear journal, I had a picture of a gun, I wrote about how I witnessed my parents fighting over one, and there was also a receipt for the concealed course I took so that I could learn how to face my fear. Great stuff to re-read.

Then, I went to the next entry. It was about my weight and how my next fear to punch through was losing weight. I did some free form writing in that journal and wrote about how I knew it was time to work on it, because I had been in a restaurant recently and when I went the bathroom, there was a little Japanese women going in in front of me. She looked at me as if to say, ‘American women, so glutonus with no control over their eating.’ And my thought was, ‘well at least I don’t look like a little girl’. And how that threw up a red flag as to what my issue was, once again. It was a physical reaction when it happened. It was time to realize that I’m not a little girl anymore and that I can protect myself from the predators out there.

That was in 2005 when I was probably at my highest weight. 298. It was soon after that , that I developed a gluten intolerance that kept me from eating well for a couple of years. It took that long to figure out what was going on with my stomach, and during that time I lost about 30 pounds, which was the beginning of my current weight loss streak. In the past 10 years, I’ve lost 87 pounds and have walked a half-marathon, and am currently training to run a 5k.

I highly recommend walking through fears.


Still a Qadishtu?

I’ve been wondering......will I remember to embrace being Qadishtu while on this path of getting smaller? I thought once I started getting fit again, that I’d be reaching out to help heal others more, through intimacy and sex. But, so far, that hasn’t happened.

It’s probably more about not having time ....no time to look in the mirror and get used to and accept how i look now. No time to be available for people. No time for the new boyfriend or current friends, let alone anyone new that might come into my life.

Will me feeling sexy draw people to me? Will my armor fall away so that others can reach me? I don’t know. I haven’t been this weight since getting pregnant with my second son. He’s 23. That’s 23 years of armor. And add 4 years to that. I was this weight soon after having my first son, and never lost it. Well for a split second I did hit 199, but it scared the shit out of me when my main perp made a pass at me and I gained it all back plus more.

At this point in my life, if that happened now, bad bad things would happen......to him. I have 2 men in my life that would protect me, and that doesn’t count what I’d do to protect myself.

Anyway......that’s beside the point, and I don’t want to go off on a tangent.

I’m at a restaurant waiting for my second man.....he loves how I look, regardless of me being squishy. Though, he doesn’t like my hair cut.....which is too bad, because I’m enjoying it. I was able to drive here with my windows down and not have a mouthful of hair.

Life if good.


Back on the Wagon


Today, Master and I start on ‘Day One’ of our old way of doing our health tracking system, and point earning system. That was working really well for us and fell by the wayside for me when we started the ‘Movement Challenge’, started my new job and strained my hip at the gym. I haven’t been exercising or meditating with any consistency. So, it’s time! Back on the wagon!

It’s been two weeks since starting the new job and straining my hip. I need to figure out how I’m going to schedule my day so that I get in my exercise, meditation and writing. One of the thoughts is to get a personal trainer. Dan has been suggesting this for a long time, but we just haven’t had the money. I’ve tried a personal trainer here and there over the last couple of years, but when the trial packets run out, I stop seeing them. So, it’s time. Dan has given me a name, Lady Di is seeing someone she likes, and I wouldn’t mind the Personal Training Studio that I’ve used before because they will help me with my hip and calf issues. Actually, I just looked at their pricing for their Polaris place and it’s pretty cheap if I want to share a slot with someone. I’ll be making phone calls today.

As for meditation, wow, we just have to figure out when to do it. We were able to this morning because I planned on not going to the gym and just being with Dan before he left for Chicago for work. We had such a great weekend and I really didn’t want it to end. Still don’t.  When would be the best time? We already know that evening doesn’t work for us. So, we need to do it in the morning. But, if I’m going to start taking Ginger in at 7am so that I can get to the gym, that means leaving our home at 6:50am. Yuck! I will HAVE to start getting up at 5:50, dressed and lunch made and work clothes in my gym bag. Meditate, kiss Master, grab lunch, water bottle and coffee/tea and then out the door. Don’t like it, but it’s needed to stay on a good mental/physical/spiritual track.

Today, meditation is done. Writing (this) is done, will track calories all day. Now, just need to figure out when to exercise.

Body Acceptance

Well, it’s kind of funny how things happen. I was going to post my ‘Changing Body’ writing to get, but instead came across a writing in a Trauma Survivors group about calling people out on being fat and having a food addiction and being unhealthy because they are fat.

That totally tripped me out. I had to wait a full 24 hours before responding to it and only did so because people responding were acting like it was ok to call someone out because they were fat.

Personally, I’d consider that very rude. What gives someone the right to ‘call someone out’, with the excuse of saying it’s because you believe someone is unhealthy?

So, I’m going to post what I had to say here. I think I handled it pretty even-handedly.....but as someone that is having problems with body acceptance lately, I can’t even imagine if someone came up to me and tome me I had to lose weight because they are concerned that I’m unhealthy. My numbers are better than most people I know and I exercise more than most I know (except Master...He’s hard core) :)

Well, i've been thinking and thinking about this....trying not to take it personally and making sure my feelings are not coming from a trigger. And from what i can tell, they aren't. But, i do feel very strongly about this. And my opinion seems to be different than others that have answered. i'm totally ok with that.

i am a fat woman. i am a healthy fat woman. All of my numbers are in normal range except for my iron because of my gluten issues. i walk half-marathons, i'm training to run a 5k this spring. Not that i need to defend myself or my size.

Regardless, if someone decided to 'call me out' on being fat, not only would i consider it rude, but i would seriously wonder why someone felt the need to be in my business. We are all mirrors of each other and if someone felt the need to call me out on something that is bothering them, i would highly suggest looking in the mirror to see what it is about themselves that they see reflected that is bothering them and then advise they work on their own issues.

Supposedly, i belong to a community that is about acceptance and it is not for me to judge peoples personal preferences in how they live their lives.

i was just at a weekend event over the weekend and it was full of beautiful people, and yes some of them were fat and feeling very comfortable in their own skin. i love the atmosphere where we are accepted for who we are.

So, if someone decides to walk away from me because of my 'addictions', whatever they think that may be, that's their choice. Personally, i think i'm a great person, beautiful even and someone that gives back to the community a hundred fold. To judge me on my size.....tsk tsk.

Besides, the only person i have to answer to is my Master. :)

Just my 2 cents worth.....



Weightloss Program part 2

So, today was the first weigh-in in our Weight Loss Challenge, after the original weigh in. I lost 4.5 lbs! I’m surprised since I felt like staying under my calories was such a challenge. That damn peanut butter!!! That’s what I craved all week and gave into the craving more than once. I guess it could have been worse choices.

I also worked on my couch potato to 5k plan, getting to the gym twice. It frustrates me that I lost my smaller gym bag again. That’s the one with my workout journal in it. I have a version in my dropbox on my phone, but it’s not that same as seeing all my times written down in my journal, so that i can try to beat my times.

I can be pretty competitive.

So, this week, trying to get to the gym more and jump to the next week on the C25K plan. That’s going to be challenging I think.

Walk for 5 minutes
Jog for 5 minutes
Walk for 3 minutes
Jog for 5 minutes
Walk for 3 minutes
Jog for 5 minutes

Then, I finish completing the 5k mileage with walking/jogging, trying to beat my tastes time, which is 47 minutes 8 seconds.

It’s feeling good to be progressing through the plan......but it’s still a challenge to make myself go to the gym. Not sure why.

Fear that i’ll succeed? Not sure. Fear that my boobs will become more deflated? Not sure.